the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
