I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
