He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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