dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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