I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
