if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
