I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
