I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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