I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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