I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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