I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
