I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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