I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
