Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
