I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
