It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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