Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
