ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
