I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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