it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
