My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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