Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
