Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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