i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
