you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
