My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
