Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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