I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
