In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
