im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
