ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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