i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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