I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
