i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
