I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
