i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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