good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
