Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
