I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
