How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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