He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
