I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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