tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
