the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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