I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
