I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
