Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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