Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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