Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
