awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
