We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
