mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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