I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
