Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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