I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
