I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
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I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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