This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
