Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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