So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
