My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Your penis caused this!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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